Insecurities

Mood: Emotionally Exhausted
Weight: 160
Last ate: Slim-Fast Cookie Dough Meal Bar (yesterday)

So last night Bella and I went to see Faust is Dead at the Rude Guerrilla. It featured gratuitous male nudity for no apparent reason other than shock value. This raised my insecurities, and as I sat there it turned into jealousy that Bella was seeing such things. Feeling that way about Bella made me angry at myself. On the ride home, Bella detected something was wrong and was extremely apologetic that I didn't enjoy myself. Then I started thinking what an asshole I was being which only made me more upset with myself. I was seriously wondering why Bella would ever want to be with such a pathetic person. It wasn't until we got to my house that she pried out of me what was wrong. She instantly thought it was her fault. But really, as I told her, it has nothing whatsoever to do with her. I just have deep-rooted insecurities. After we talked about it, I felt a lot better, but still felt like a bit of an ass.

This morning, I got up at 6am to feed Stella, but Gran had moved her food. So while I was trying to stay in sleep mode so I could go back to sleep after I fed Stella, I was searching for the food. I ended up having to ask Gran where it was. Finally, after putting the food out, I tried to go back to sleep, only to realize I was now wide awake. Then I was pissed. And with one negative mood comes another, so the self-loathing returned.

I'm feeling relatively better now, but I feel extremely tired and emotionally drained.

Well, I better eat something, though I have no appetite. Need to feed the birds before I leave for Bella's house, too.

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